Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
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Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.