*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
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Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.