With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
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If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Same post same
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.