OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
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CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”