Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
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All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please