I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Sunday
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped