Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
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My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I’m awake but I object,
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please