It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
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Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?