King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
You Might Also Like
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…