One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
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Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Plant care tips
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.