Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
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I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
“We will wed,” I threatened
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth