a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
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When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”