I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
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I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.