Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
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You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Yup
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.