Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
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My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
For those that worship cheese..
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”