Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
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I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.