My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
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Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.