Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
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#dalle2
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
peak technology
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
My wife gives the best headache.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.