I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
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New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.