I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
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Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Tastes like chicken.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.