Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
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[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Am I having a stroke?
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct