Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
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Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
thinking about a very short hotdog
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
the composer
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands