So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
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This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).