I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
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Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.