Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
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Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.