[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
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I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.