My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
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Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
#polloftheday
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture