Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
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8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check