Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
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I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO