I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
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My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
just pretend nothing happened
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.