One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
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“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Growing out my freckles.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!