If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
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I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.