Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
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Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
yes… yes…
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans