“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
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Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!