Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
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Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
an airline just for babies.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.