Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
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when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
dream blunt rotation
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?