I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
You Might Also Like
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
asked my bf how work was today
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*