Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
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*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong