god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
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Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.