Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
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My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —