“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
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Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
This is me
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
How dramatic are you?
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.