Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
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My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Love thy neighbor’s dog
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok