The prophecy is fulfilled
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My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.