“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
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My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.