Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
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ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
the official breakfast of 2021
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.