Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
You Might Also Like
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’