—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
You Might Also Like
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet