“I wouldn’t.”
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“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.