any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
You Might Also Like
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
how long have you had this for?
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
i guess his teacher was really pissed
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value