Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
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Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.